The Golem reminds us the golden rule of horror: never make a creepy doll with a sown-shut mouth, it will only come to life to haunt you.

Let’s bitch it out…

We dive right into last episode’s cliffhanger: what happened to Ichabod’s (Tom Mison) son? Thanks to the help of the sin-eater on speed dial, Henry Parrish (an always welcome John Noble), Ichabod is able to meet Katrina (Katia Winter) in purgatory to get answers. Back in the day, Katrina’s coven was out to punish her for the binding spell she used to tie Crane to the Horseman. Katrina was fleeing them when she had her baby. To spare her son a fugitive’s life, Katrina gives her son, Jeremy, to Grace Dickson, Abbie’s (Nicole Beharie) ancestor we met during ‘Sanctuary’.

Unfortunately, without his mother to teach him how to use his inherited powers, Jeremy essentially became the baby from The Incredibles and burned the town to the ground, killing Grace in the process. When he is then abused at an orphanage, Jeremy manifests his rage into making his aforementioned creepy doll come to life (see: golem) and serve as his protector. The golem promptly killed anyone who threatened Jeremy from that point on.

Meanwhile, Katrina’s coven found her and threw her in purgatory (not Moloch? Who knew?!). They also tracked down Jeremy and the golem, killing Jeremy and sending the giant doll to purgatory to hang out with Katrina.

In present day, the golem escapes purgatory with Crane and goes off to kill the members of the coven that hurt his master. Turns out the “double double toil and trouble” quartet who banished Katrina have been traveling with the circus under the very on-the-nose name “The Four who Speak with One Voice.” After revealing they killed Jeremy, Ichabod, the golem, and I were glad to see them gone (and take your grotty teeth with you!). After the golem kills the witches, Crane tries to reason with the golem, but ends up killing it. (Sidenote: what was with Parrish’s big reveal that Ichabod’s blood would stop the golem? Did anyone not realize that once it was known that Jeremy’s blood would do the trick?)

Meanwhile, Frank (Orlando Jones) is looking for some solace at his old church, but it turns out to be an epic fail. Frank learns that the witnesses and their followers are destined to die. No more church for him. Although, he may revisit that conclusion now that demons are taking over the bodies of ice cream vendors to threaten his daughter…

Not to be outdone by his minions, Moloch visits Crane to deliver a message: Abbie’s soul will soon be Moloch’s forever, and Crane will be the one to deliver it. Yikes!

Other Observations

• ‘The Golem’: Insert obligatory The Lord of the Rings pun here.
• Dangling a mistletoe in front of us with no reward? CRUEL writers…cruel. Honestly, anything further between Crane and Abbie would have been totally inappropriate, but the scene is a nice nod to all the shippers out there.
• 6,000 little Ichabods = my dream
• Macey (Amandla Stenberg) calls her dad “Popsky”? Ugh.
• Did anyone else think the drawing of the doll in the witch’s notebook looked like Patrick from Sponge Bob? Anyone? Bueller?

Best Lines:

• Abbie (in response to Crane’s lamentation of language shifts in the past 200 years): “So if I went on a date with a guy and we had ‘awful intercourse,’ we’d be going out on a second date?”
• Macey (on why Vine exists): “Youtube videos are like three minutes long, nobody has time for that”
• Crane (looking at funhouse mirrors for the first time): “What hellish form of torment is this?”
• Crane (on receiving his first Christmas stocking): “You embroidered my name on some oversized hosiery! How…odd.”

What did you think of The Golem? Are you hoping there’s more to the Jeremy storyline (a resurrection perhaps)? Are you just going to sit there and “gongoozle”?! Sound off below!

Sleepy Hollow has finished airing its 2013 episodes. The show returns for its final three episodes starting Monday, January 13 at 9pm EST on FOX. See you in the new year!