Remember when it seemed like we were finally going to start getting good movies? LIES!
Let’s bitch it out…
Oh dear, folks. Another weekend at the box office (a long one this time) and yet Hollywood still keeps feeding us garbage! What are these execs thinking about? Only their therapists know for sure, but alas, we’re left with a bunch of duds. Look for LEGO Batman and BDSM for Mommies will continue to dominate.
February 17, 2017
A Cure for Wellness (Wide)
- Cast: Dane DeHaan (Kill Your Darlings), Jason Isaacs (TV’s Awake)
- Official Synopsis: An ambitious young executive (DeHaan) is sent to retrieve his company’s CEO from an idyllic but mysterious “wellness center” at a remote location in the Swiss Alps. He soon suspects that the spa’s miraculous treatments are not what they seem. When he begins to unravel its terrifying secrets, his sanity is tested, as he finds himself diagnosed with the same curious illness that keeps all the guests here longing for the cure.
- Good for fans of: Dario Argento, Gore Verbinski’s other overly stylized films
- Is it worth your time? Alas it appears that while Verbinski has delivered a beautiful looking, atmospheric film, he apparently has no idea when or how to end it. Word on the street is that the film is far too long and that the ending is far too obvious and disappointing.
Fist Fight (Wide)
- Cast: Charlie Day (Pacific Rim), Ice Cube (Surviving The Game)
- Official Synopsis: On the last day of the year, mild-mannered high school English teacher Andy Campbell (Day) is trying his best to keep it together amidst senior pranks, a dysfunctional administration and budget cuts that put jobs on the line. But things go from bad to worse when he accidentally crosses his much tougher and deeply feared colleague, Ron Strickland (Cube), who challenges Campbell to an old-fashioned throw down after school. News of the fight spreads like wildfire and ends up becoming the very thing this school, and Campbell, needed.
- Good for fans of: Kevin Hart, HBO’s Vice Principals
- Is it worth your time? There are a bunch of talented actors / comedians in this flick, including Dean Norris, Tracy Morgan, Kumail Nanjiani and Jillian Bell, but I’m not sure they add up to the sum, which looks pretty threadbare and one note. If you’re in desperate need for a comedy (intentional comedy that doesn’t involve mythological dragons that is), this is your only real option. And yet it’s not a good option per se.
The Great Wall (Wide)
- Cast: Matt Damon (We Bought A Zoo), Pedro Pascal (Narcos)
- Official Synopsis: This is the story of Western soldiers-for-hire (Matt Damon) who venture to China to steal the secret of gunpowder in the 9th century, but arrive in the middle of a battle between an ancient Chinese order and a group of monstrous hordes which the wall was built to protect against.
- Good for fans of: 47 Ronins, Seventh Son, other historically inaccurate fantasy junk
- Is it worth your time? Oh no. Lol. Despite being helmed by Hero and House of Flying Daggers‘ Zhang Yimou, spectacular visuals alone can’t save this narrative. Throw in some complaints about whitewashing (white guy saves the day!) and The Great Wall looks like a one weekend wonder that will fade into obscurity soon enough.
That’s it for now! Check back next week for the release of one of the best sounding horror films of the year (Get Out) and another generic looking action flick (this time with Felicity Jones, Nicholas Hoult and Ben Kingsley?!)